Long time no post! Ive been focusing on other things. I’ve been home for almost a week. In some ways things are going great - I’ve eaten 100% since I discharged! In some ways things are not so great - my body feels intolerable, my depression has definitely been problematic and my dietitian isn’t around this week so I’m pretty anxious about that.
Basically I’m doing my best. It’s damn hard. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. The intrusive voices in my head feel uncontrollable at times.
And yet, I keep eating. Because if there’s a way out, this is it. Because when I feel powerless, I’m actually not. Because when I look back will I be wishing I restricted today? Tomorrow? No. Because if I can do this, now is the time.
Hello ! 👋
Today i went to the restaurant (again 😆) with my cousins !
We 3 craved mussels and fries ahah
So that what's i ordered. The fries were so delicious omg 🤤 and so were the mussels !
I decided to follow @aoiferecovers & @recoverybakes in their indulgence day and ordered a dessert !
It was a "café gourmand", a dessert that consists of a coffee and 4 mini desserts. This one was with a speculoos tiramisu, a chocolate mousse, a speculoos cheesecake topped with salted caramel and a panna cota topped with passion fruit grout. Everything was super yummy !
Of course i also had a mojito 🥰
I felt really good today, my ed was pretty quiet. I didn't have the anxiety attack that i usually have when i go to the restaurant !
I'm happy atm, it's super nice 💕
I hope you had a very good day ❣️🐿xx
Ontem tive consulta com a nutrição e se falei dez palavras foi muito, eu só conseguia chorar.
Depois tive terapia e saí bem reflexiva. Eu e minha terapeuta chegamos à conclusão de que as minhas lembranças (de situações, sentimentos, pensamentos, sonhos e até lembranças falsas) são como peças de um quebra-cabeça.
Há quase oito anos, quando iniciei meu tratamento e o trabalho na terapia, eu tinha algumas peças das quais não fazia ideia como juntar. Porque tudo aquilo acontecia comigo?
Hoje, após mais de sete anos encarando meus demônios, consegui juntar muitas dessas peças. Lembrei de coisas que minha mente bloqueou para me proteger ou como uma fuga da minha própria realidade.
Ainda existem peças que não colaram, existem peças que ainda nem me dei conta que existem. Tenho lembranças e sensações que ainda não fazem sentido, mas um dia, quem sabe, eu consiga encaixa-las.
Ontem, entrei na terapia com planos suicidas. Depois de muita conversa e reflexões, sem nem perceber, mas com lágrimas nos olhos e falando com o coração eu disse algo que recentemente falei para a minha mãe quando ela estava mal e que quero dizer para vocês: “Todas as vezes que me encontro numa situação muito difícil eu tento lembrar dos piores momentos da minha vida. Se eu passei por todos eles, significa que tenho força para passar por qualquer coisa.” Com quinze anos eu achava que nós éramos comuns feito um grão de areia no deserto. Acreditava que só vivíamos, passávamos por muita merda e depois, feito um grande nada, morríamos e deixávamos de existir. Fim.
Hoje eu acredito que estamos aqui para evoluir. Eu não passo por tanta merda porque sou uma desgraçada. Tudo que passo é para minha evolução, e que evolução!
A vida é dura para todos, não necessariamente na questão de trabalhar “duro” ou algo assim. A vida é dura porque temos uma mente cheia de peças de um quebra cabeça infinito que conta a nossa história e o porquê de nos tornarmos o que hoje somos.
Como minha terapeuta disse, é duro encaixar as peças porque vem o questionamento de “se eu tivesse feito algo diferente as coisas não seriam assim”.
Só que se algo fosse diferente, a Isabella de hoje nem existiria.
Bit of an update- TW:
Last night was just a bit of a blur, took an OD and my head was still not satisfied, but I’m really paying for it today😞. My GP is on holiday, CMHT still haven’t got back to me and I’ve cancelled my counselling appointment because I keep having meltdowns and didn’t want her to see me cry, so I’ve basically been left alone with my thoughts. Still suicidal, don’t really see the point in continuing to live.
My head just never seems to shut the fuck up, wether its screaming at me to burn calories or pleading me to kms, this is not fair😓.
But nope! learn that a picture can be misleading! This is actually my snack from a couple days ago 🤭 Brekkie this morning is going to be on the go in the car 🚗 so it’s not going to be very visually appealing ^^ But that’s not my point today! I’m coming to you with a question... something that bothers me 😬...
Ok, let’s start by acknowledging that it is true, we all are on different paths, we all have different stories, and we move on at different pace... But still I’ve read something this morning 😔... *
Does that make me a bad person to give advice to people that I can’t take for myself ? Does that make me bad being kinda “preachy”!(not in a mean way hopefully) and offering help when it might seem I don’t “try hard enough” and don’t do what I preach ?.
I’m gonna be completely honest here: I find recovery extremely difficult, and I’m definitely guilty of lying and cheating... I’m 💩 at recovery, as simple as that... but at the same time I’m so desperate to help people in the community so they do not follow the same path... Does that makes sense or am I just “betraying” the people I try to help? 🧐.
I need your honest opinion on that 🙏.
* Much love 💕,.
So in this post I’m going to address three issues which you wanted me to talk about.
First is fear foods. How do you conquer fear foods and eat them without feeling guilt? Well fear foods are different for everyone but just know that they won’t hurt you. Eating one of those foods will not make you fat and gain loads of weight. If it’s a sweet good that’s higher in calories, eat it:) it won’t hurt. And eating it in moderation is COMPLETELY NORMAL!! If you eat too much of anything it’s not healthy so just treat yourself to it as you really deserve it and not eating those fear foods means you’re more likely to fear them. So eating them is good:)))
The second thing is the whole “healthy foods” branding. There are no such things as healthy and unhealthy foods just foods that offer more nutrients. Such as broccoli, it offers lots of nutrients but if you eat too much it’s bad. Now take a cookie. Higher in calories and contains less nutrients but if you have one it’s completely healthy in a balanced diet. Eating too much is bad but eating one cookie will not make you suddenly gain a lot of weight. TRUST ME! ;)
The last things is hunger. When having starved yourself for however long, your body can no longer recognise hunger signals. And when you start eating more, it’s hard to know how much is too little or too much. I really hunk you should eat when your body wants to. It’s not overeating trust me it’s just because your body needs and wants the food. Hunger is normal and if you want to eat, eat. If you want to have that cookie, EAT THE COOKIE:)))))
I want to say that you can all fight this and there is a way out. You gotta keep strong and your future self will thank you;)
Love you all💗💫
So yesterday night my family wanted to eat at the restaurant even if I told them it freaked me out because i already ate at Mcdonald's this day. My aunt told me that I could just order a salad or something light but I knew i wanted a pizza and I was right.
So we ordered a pizza and a vegetables salad together. I had 1/2 of the pizza and a piece of my cousin's. I also ate a few vegetables of the salad but i didn't like it.
It was really tough, i was so anxious...
I know this is because of body dysmorphia but I feel so f*t and disgusting. Also, my stomach won't stop bloating 😤
Recovery is so hard.
I feel like i'm not pushing myself enough but when i try to do it I freak out and it seems like i'm relapsing.
I wanna cry so hard, i'm so mad at myself.
I ruined my body.
I had muscles, i was pretty and i ruined it all.
I don't want to give up
But honestly, will i arrive to get over it ? Will i fully recover ?😞 Hope you're doing well 💕🐿xx
today i went to my favorite coffee shop by myself and drank a hot chocolate 🍫 💨 it was dEliCious
life is too short to not enjoy my favorite drinks because it scares me, if other people are able to enjoy a hot chocolate and move on with their life why i can’t?
Tonight’s dinner was peng 😋👍 I had a tasty catch salt & pepper basa fish 🐟 with some ketchup. This fish I’ve been putting it off for far too long now and tonight I thought it’s about time I had one. 😉👍 it’s scary because this fish is higher calories than the usual fish I have but I want that “uusual” word to get less and less in my posts as I don’t think it’s good to be set on only allowing and sticking to certain foods. That means using that word usual on a regular basis means I’m staying in my safe zone and I don’t want to stay in that zone forever. As scary as though I find it, I want to step into the unknown, the scary foods, because I never know what lies ahead of me in my future and sticking in safe zones means I would be stopping myself from exploring I to the unknown.I’m sure you all know what I mean so tonight I through. Them rules out the window going for lower calorie fish and had this beauty tonight. It was divine. Honestly you all need to try one, even those that are not too keen on fish, you’ll love this one. It had so much flavour in the breadcrumbs and the fish was really nice too😋 I had it with a jacket potato with aunt Bessies roast potatoes both topped with some salad cream + some oven cooked green beans. I was only going to have the jacket potato but I realised that this potato was the smallest one that was in the pack and it was my last one so I rationalised my thinking and told myself that I did need those roast potatoes As well to make it a substantial meal reminding myself that it wasn’t too much and I haven’t overeaten because tonight’s jacket potato was smaller than the usual ones I have. I feel so glad and stronger for listening to my rational thoughts, not listening to the irrational ones.😊👍 #anorexiarecovery#anorexianervosarecovery#anorexianervosa#anarecovery#ana#strongnotskinny#recoverywin#recovery#recoveryisworthit#edrecovery#eatingdisorderrecovery#eatingdisorder#eatingdisorders#eattobeatit#lunch#beatingana#beatinged#ana#anorexianervosa#beatingeatingdisorders#positivity#prorecovery#edrecovery#foodie#foodporn#increase#food#snack#breakfast#mentalhealth#recoverywin#foodie#recoverywin#love
Today i went to the shopping mall with some friends. It was a great afternoon !
Of course we had mcdonald's for lunch (with a diet coke). My ed was pretty quiet so i was fine. I didn't finish all the potatoes but I think i will eat them for dinner (i kept them, i hate throwing food away). ptw :
These days i don't feel hungry at all but i keep eating... this is hard and i feel guilty af but i know i need to eat. So i do it anyway 😔
I hope you had a lovely day ☺️💕🐿xx
HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE, that’s partly what this account is about really and I guess I’ve been lying to myself lately 😳...
I fell off the wagon with breakfast again 😢 which is partly why I haven’t been posting much lately. So what should have been an increase day today is just going to be a “reset” day. We’ve agreed with my mum that it was no use putting too much strain on me while being on holiday because it was already quite enough to take in😴. I’ll resume the increases on Sunday once we’re back 💪.
Do I see that as a failure? Not at all my friends! and you know why? Because after a week of lying and deceiving I’ve come clean to my mum about not following my meal plan! Lying will never lead you anywhere (or to a worse state you’re in in the now). And who would I have been fooling in my dietitian office when she’d seen that the weight hadn’t budged anyway, right? So it might just be a baby step, or not even a step at all, but it’s in the right direction! 👉.
HONESTY is always the answer 🙌because you are only LYING TO YOURSELF, or AN IS LYING TO YOU anyway. You’re just harming yourself by doing so and realizing that is already huge!.
Lying/cheating/deceiving are part of the illness and need to be taken care of as much as the behaviours so you can gain trust back from the people you love.
Much love 💕,.
I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been very busy this week. Next week school will start again and right now I’m a leader at this scouting kind of kidsweek. It’s super fun and I’m active all day. The kids are also super cute :). I’ve done a lot of things I didn’t do last year.. I ate breakfast at the kidsweek (ate peanutbutter AND egg as breadtoppings) and I joinen the barbeque that was organised for the groupleaders (without compensating).
I had to go to the doctor today and I had gained some weight again!! I was so afraid that I had lost some because of being active this whole week. But I didn’t and I hope that the doctor Will allow me to go on this trip with school that we’ve got planned in about 4 weeks😬. I’ll still have to gain Some weight before he’ll allow me but I believe in myself.
I feel so motivated at the moment I even ate icecream again after a longggg time (about 1/4 of the pint) I know this isn’t the same as like eating ben and Jerry’s or something like that but eating halo top icecream is already a hugeeee step for me :).
I hope you had a nice day and I’ll try to keep you Guys updated about my progress!! xxx J
P.s. OMG GUYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR A 100 FOLLOWERS. Damn this account had already grown so fast❤️ your support really helps me everyday
Update about school
The first two days went okay. I was afraid in the mornings but school wasn't too bad. Everybody seems nice but I haven't really talked to people a lot. The school is very different from my old one but I already got used to it the second day. Guess that's what changing school too often does to you. Today was worse. In Maths class I dropped my calculator and later my teacher used me as an example for explaining something. I was close to tears after dropping my calculator already but I managed not to cry and not to run out of the room even when my teacher
asked me a question and I got it wrong as this would have been even more embarassing. Later it got a little better. After my last lesson my tutor spoke to me as he'd read about my mental illnesses in my student file. He told me I could talk to him anytime and stressed this point very often. He kinda understood he wouldn't be able to help but could at least listen. Also he told me he wouldn't tell anyone about it (also not the other teachers) unless I'd tell him to. And if I'd want to be open about my mental health he offered to do presentations about different mental illnesses so people would be informed to reduce the stigma. Additionally he told me there are many people with eating disorders in our year which I already guessed as there are a few severely underweight girls in our year and I think he meant them as we're only about 60 people. Now I'm unsure about sports class on friday as I still don't know whether to change clothes there or come to school in sports clothing as I planned to come in my sports clothing but I also don't want to always do this as I'm afraid of not wearing either jeans or dresses or skirts at school. I've seen people wearing self harm scars openly in my year so I guess the others would accept it but also I don't want to talk about my mental health to anyone as I don't really know them yet. Also we talked about the trip to Dublin in a few weeks and my tutor told me I could stay at home if that's better for my mental health and I suppose it would be an act of negligence to go there in my current mental state.
i miss when food was just food.
before it became a burden or a fear, before a lack of it became a coping mechanism.
sometimes i look back on pre-ED photos and i just wonder what happened.
i used to just eat what sounded good and move on with my day. most of the time that was chocolate, and usually a lot of it. i’ve always had a huge sweet tooth. and i didn’t beat myself up about it, i just enjoyed chocolatey things.
now, the only time i don’t get food guilt is when i’m drunk. but even that wears off and i’m back with the ED just screaming about every calorie.
the ED says that i’ll be happier thinner, that being empty means that i’m in control. shit like that never used to bother me. i didn’t want to be empty, i didn’t care about being thin, i just wanted to live my life.
life gets in the way sometimes. last year something happened, and everything in my life just sorta went tits up. i felt so out of control of everything, so i turned to food, just not the way i used to turn to it. instead of eating to cheer myself up, i did the opposite to numb myself to everything around me. i didn’t have to feel the bad stuff that way, but i didn’t feel anything good either. i was just a shell.
for me, being bigger and fuller means being happier, and i know that. and yet i’m terrified to let go of emptiness as a way of dealing with things, or the slim figure that my ED gave me. i was always kinda chubby before my ED, but didn’t care, because i was also so much more than that. i was energetic and passionate. i loved, listened to and looked after myself.
i consumed food, i didn’t let food consume me.
why am i so afraid to give up control? i know that nothing bad will happen if i gain weight. i know that i’m just becoming a shell again, and yet i’m scared to stop.
recovery is wonderful, but it feels like i don’t deserve it. i don’t know if it’s because i think i need to be thinner to “need” to get better, if i’m still trying to punish myself for what happened back in October, or just because i’m scared to not be slim anymore. i genuinely don’t know.
but i know i’m happier when i eat. so why am i so afraid to be happy?
food can just be food again.