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  • This post by @drstantatkin is one of the most important relationship distinctions to remember.
Secure-functioning couples prioritize the (relationship) in addition to themselves. 
Individuals with higher anxious or avoidant tendencies tend to prioritize (themselves) far above the relationship.
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That’s why leaning too far into “self-growth” can be damaging if it does not also incorporate healthy and (sometimes challenging) relationship skills.
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When we’re in our deep hurt, the last thing we’re thinking about is soothing our partner.
If we grew up in a disengaged family system, then no one likely relied on each other very much.
Everyone probably stayed on the surface of things and never went deep enough to address important issues. 
If we grew up in a family system like this, then reaching out for support from our partner probably sounds like a foreign concept.
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If we grew up in an enmeshed family system, then people relied on one another way (too) much.
Everyone’s emotions likely bled all over each other.
If we grew up in a family system like this, then it makes sense that we might have the to urge to “run” when our partner feels intense emotions.
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A balanced and healthy family system involves closeness and separateness. 
It involves space for an individuals uniqueness alongside of their differences. 
Healthy couples don’t abandon each other when they’re in pain. 
But they have a better capacity to self-regulate while keeping themselves open to their partner.
.
.
Those with strong anxious tendencies partners tend to “overly focus” on themselves while not speaking enough to the needs of their partner. 
Those with strong avoidant tendencies tend to shut down and have “solo” regulating experiences when they feel stressed, which often leaves their partner feeling incredibly abandoned.
.
.
Being a secure couple doesn’t mean we have to being perfect or aren’t allowed to have some shitty coping skills. 
Of course we will. 
But the primary goal will always be to to lean more and more into repairing, understanding, and putting our partner’s pain on the same playing field as our own. 
#coachingwithsilvy
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How does this land for you? This post by @drstantatkin is one of the most important relationship distinctions to remember. Secure-functioning couples prioritize the (relationship) in addition to themselves. Individuals with higher anxious or avoidant tendencies tend to prioritize (themselves) far above the relationship. . . That’s why leaning too far into “self-growth” can be damaging if it does not also incorporate healthy and (sometimes challenging) relationship skills. . . When we’re in our deep hurt, the last thing we’re thinking about is soothing our partner. If we grew up in a disengaged family system, then no one likely relied on each other very much. Everyone probably stayed on the surface of things and never went deep enough to address important issues. If we grew up in a family system like this, then reaching out for support from our partner probably sounds like a foreign concept. . . If we grew up in an enmeshed family system, then people relied on one another way (too) much. Everyone’s emotions likely bled all over each other. If we grew up in a family system like this, then it makes sense that we might have the to urge to “run” when our partner feels intense emotions. . . A balanced and healthy family system involves closeness and separateness. It involves space for an individuals uniqueness alongside of their differences. Healthy couples don’t abandon each other when they’re in pain. But they have a better capacity to self-regulate while keeping themselves open to their partner. . . Those with strong anxious tendencies partners tend to “overly focus” on themselves while not speaking enough to the needs of their partner. Those with strong avoidant tendencies tend to shut down and have “solo” regulating experiences when they feel stressed, which often leaves their partner feeling incredibly abandoned. . . Being a secure couple doesn’t mean we have to being perfect or aren’t allowed to have some shitty coping skills. Of course we will. But the primary goal will always be to to lean more and more into repairing, understanding, and putting our partner’s pain on the same playing field as our own. #coachingwithsilvy . . How does this land for you?
  • This post by @drstantatkin is one of the most important relationship distinctions to remember. Secure-functioning couples prioritize the (relationship) in addition to themselves. Individuals with higher anxious or avoidant tendencies tend to prioritize (themselves) far above the relationship. . . That’s why leaning too far into “self-growth” can be damaging if it does not also incorporate healthy and (sometimes challenging) relationship skills. . . When we’re in our deep hurt, the last thing we’re thinking about is soothing our partner. If we grew up in a disengaged family system, then no one likely relied on each other very much. Everyone probably stayed on the surface of things and never went deep enough to address important issues. If we grew up in a family system like this, then reaching out for support from our partner probably sounds like a foreign concept. . . If we grew up in an enmeshed family system, then people relied on one another way (too) much. Everyone’s emotions likely bled all over each other. If we grew up in a family system like this, then it makes sense that we might have the to urge to “run” when our partner feels intense emotions. . . A balanced and healthy family system involves closeness and separateness. It involves space for an individuals uniqueness alongside of their differences. Healthy couples don’t abandon each other when they’re in pain. But they have a better capacity to self-regulate while keeping themselves open to their partner. . . Those with strong anxious tendencies partners tend to “overly focus” on themselves while not speaking enough to the needs of their partner. Those with strong avoidant tendencies tend to shut down and have “solo” regulating experiences when they feel stressed, which often leaves their partner feeling incredibly abandoned. . . Being a secure couple doesn’t mean we have to being perfect or aren’t allowed to have some shitty coping skills. Of course we will. But the primary goal will always be to to lean more and more into repairing, understanding, and putting our partner’s pain on the same playing field as our own. #coachingwithsilvy . . How does this land for you?
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