A day of 180 degree twists & turns, ups & downs & gin!
I've had a little medicinal dose of gin this evening so forgive if I'm a little more whacky than my usual self… or perhaps just more like the non-suppressed, real, non-ED me?!?
I want to write about today -a day that started ok, became not ok but then got good!
I've said it before & I'll say it again -recovery is a rollercoaster & you truly do have to hold onto the sides with both hands & a box of tissues!
Yesterday, was a day I would rather never ever repeat -it was not happy.
This morning I dragged my booty out of bed, feeling anxious & distressed again.
I knew if I faced my usual breakfast at home, that I was in danger of playing it safe all day & getting more frustrated that I wasn't doing a good enough job of kicking ED out my life.
I took myself out for breakfast -it was a challenge but I ate it, enjoyed it & avoided a full panic attack during it!
After this I pushed on with snacks & lunch but this afternoon I again felt frustrated, in turmoil, distressed, depressed & generally just very tearful.
I tried to go out to distract myself but sat in the car in tears.
I came back in & wept:
And I contemplated the rest of the day with anxiety surging each time I thought of what I'd eat later.
To be honest, I wanted the world to end or at least a big crater to open under the house.
But the world did not end & no crater appeared.
So, I had to go on.
All of a sudden, a massive wave of anger overtook me.
I was filled with blind rage at ED & anyone who doubted I'd recover.
I leapt off the bed to the kitchen.
Exhausted of ED & this life, I was determined to eat my way out.
This is not binge eating.
This is not emotional eating (well it might be but not in a bad way!). This is recovery eating & this is me getting life back & being so sick of an illness that has destroyed anything good in my life & left me so miserable I'd rather die than eat, that I am eating to prove I can -I can recover & stay alive!
So, tonight there is more food than ever (& Gin!).
And, I'm sitting & I'm enjoying my full & bloated belly & healing my messy head, while riding the rollercoaster of recovery.
Bikini? ✔️ Body?✔️ Summer is a tough time for anyone that struggles with negative body image. Putting on a bikini or swimsuit can feel impossible. But just remember the first time you rode a bike- it was probably scary and felt uncomfortable, but the more you practiced the better things felt. We are fully capable of working through our fears of putting on a swimsuit too.
Comment with a 👙if you braved a swimsuit this month!
Just had one of the first ptsd episodes I’ve had in a while and it’s not a great feeling. -
I had a good day today everything went smoothly.
Everything was fine. -
Me and my friends walked another friend down to the bus stop just now and we cut through a bit where there’s a whole bunch of tunnels and we stopped for a bit and started having a bit of a puss take and messing about taking photos and that.
And at one point we were running and I find myself alone at one of the tunnels. -
And that’s when it started.
I felt like I was reliving it.
I felt as though I was in genuine danger.
I froze in terror.
I don’t know whether it was the situation or the darkness or whatever but my mind just took me back to that night and it was horrible.
I had to get out of there I just started crying and having a anxiety attack, if I was there any longer it definetly would’ve turned into a full blown panic attack. -
So that completely ruined my day.
Hope everyone’s day was better than mine ❤️#ptsdrecovery#recovery#prorecovery#anarecovery#anorexia#edrecovery#mentalhealth#staystrong#healthnotdiets
Nicks’s Roast Beef really hit the spot. We’re talkin’ large roast beef sandwich with mayo, lettuce, tomato & that amazing special kind of BBQ sauce that you can only get at a roast beef place.
Last time I got fast food, it was two or three years ago. We where at Wendy’s and I cried because they messed up my order (I know...lol) It was HEARTBREAKING though because at the time I was in emotional distress due to the fact that I was eating fast food and that my cheat food was NOT PERFECT enough to be worth breaking my clean eating streak.
Today, Mitch and I went to Nick’s and I didn’t cry! Haha! Actually, each bite I felt such enjoyment and ease. 🙏🏽 A glimpse of how recovery has already been worth it.
Happy happy weekend!!! Spent my afternoon thinking about this upcoming fall, things I have to look forward to, things to work on, goals to accomplish, and more 🌻☀️excited for classes to start up and start learning about things I’m interested in, excited for the leaves to start changing as fall comes along, excited for warm bowls of oatmeal and lots of coffee in the mornings. Planning on getting back into my passions that have kind of fallen out of place this summer. Excited to officially become a certified yoga teacher in November. Got lots to look forward to, all the more reason to keep on going and keep fighting every damn day 🤘🏻 #recoveryisworthit#deats ➡️ brown rice, tuna, spinach, yellow pepper, feta cheese
HOW TO COPE
Here are some tips on how to cope with anything- from ed thoughts, exercise urges, anxiety, stress, exams, etc. Which I have lived by recently and they have helped me more than anything.
1. MUSIC - the no.1 distraction. Spend time making yourself a playlist with all your favourite songs or listen to pre made playlists. Put earphones in if you are anxious etc, because the music can override the thoughts so they are blocked out, and they eventually go. If they are still there, make yourself focus on the words by learning them, singing or anything to get the thoughts out. Music improves mood too. I listen to music that reminds me of happy times, like Disney, holidays and being with friends❤️ 2. Refresh - take a day off, have a long shower/bath, do lots of skincare/nails, change your bed sheets and clean your room. Being clean and tidy makes me feel so much better.
3. Films- I’ve re watched the inbetweeners and grownups about a million times. It makes me laugh and relax, and helps to distract me from all the thoughts and anxiety. Find that film you love and watch it as much as you can, or start a new series (dm me for recommendations;)) also funny YouTube videos are essential. But stay away from “healthy what I eat in a day” stuff because no one needs that.
4. People- surround yourself with people. call a friend, play with your sibling, talk to your mum or nan, go to a party, play with your pet, go for a coffee with friends. literally anything sociable helps me so much.
5. Know your goal- have motivations. There are always so many reasons to fight. Some of mine are: my period, for a better figure (boobs and bum lol), to be happier, to eat what I want, exams and uni, travelling, friends, family and so many more. People love you and you need to find motivations. Make a mood board of them. fill it with pictures, quotes and colour and look at it every time you need.
6. Look after yourself- no matter what you are dealing with, your health comes first. And that includes your mental health. Find something you love and do it as much as you can because that’s the best way to cope with hard things. Or have a fat cry first 😂🥴❤️❤️❤️❤️
This is a big deal for me. Beyond the fact that my hair is now dyed, the premise behind it is so immensely important to my recovery. I’ve been wanting to change my hair up for ages. Today I put my money where my mouth is and just went for it.
Similarly, I’ve been wanting to recover for months now. But never actually pushed myself out of the little safe bubble of my ED. Today I put my money where my mouth is and actively challenged myself. I reduced my step intake A LOT, only allowing myself to go on a walk with the absolute intention of mindfulness & listening to music. I had breakfast... something I’ve been finding excuses to skip recently. And lunch. And dinner. And although visibly I doubt it’ll make such an immediate impact as my newly-pink hair... this action of actually just going balls to the wall and DOING IT has pushed into totally new realms that I never even thought possible. Did my anorexia enjoy it? No. Absolutely not. I feel like fucking shit, but that’s by the by. But I did something today. And I’m proud of it. And I’m liking my hair as well. Is this ~ the faintest glimmer of self-confidence? ••••
and that part was completely uneccessary but at least it was all homemade, no sweets or junk food, and I got in a lot of nutrients today actually and way less calories than when I would binge yet I feel extremly full
quick shopping trip for my step brother that just so happened to pass by another one of my favorite lunch spots. coincidence? I think not💁🏻♀️
as a continuation from yesterday’s “I’m stressed as heck and need to take more time for myself” post, I decided that today would be a day filled with favorites. I went to soulcycle where the instructor’s main message was that we can’t help others until we take care of ourselves (exactly what I needed to hear). now I’m off with my step brother helping him shop for clothes. .
plans for the afternoon/evening: journaling my goals for the upcoming year, maybe working on a blog post, dinner with the family (never fails to cheer me up) and some grey’s anatomy likely to be followed by peanut butter cookies—thanks dad😏
all in all, this is a day well spent sweating out the negative energy, and filling up on the good stuff. today’s note to self: life is what we make of it, so let’s get after it✌🏻
had to edit for the dEATs: Vietnamese noodle bowl with tofu, veggies, and rice
"Oh, Sorry..." Eine Aussage, die schnell über die Lippen kommt. Auch von mir viel zu oft gebraucht. Denn ich entschuldige mich für alles, auch wenn es gar keinen Grund zum Entschuldigen gibt. Etwas, was Viele als Anreiz sehen, um sich darüber lustig zu machen. Und selbst dafür entschuldige ich mich dann. Ich entschuldige mich dafür, dass ich mich entschuldige... Aber warum? Denn mir wird immer mehr bewusst, dass ich das gar nicht muss!
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, dass ich Theorie lieber mag als Praxis.
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, dass ich keinen Körperkontakt mag.
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, wenn ich eine andere Meinung habe.
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, wenn meine Interessen anders sind.
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, dass ich lieber zu Hause lese oder schreibe, anstatt draußen feiern zu gehen.
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, dass ich Küssen und Sex uninteressant und ekelig finde!
Ich muss mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, dass ich immer noch nicht genau weiß, wo mein Weg mich hinführen soll.
Und vor allem muss ich mich nicht dafür entschuldigen, dass ich ICH bin. Denn bei wem will ich mich überhaupt rechtfertigen? Jeder hat das Recht, seine eigenen Meinungen und Interessen zu vertreten, also wieso sollte ich da die Ausnahme sein? Denn jedes Mal, wenn ich mich für eine Meinung entschuldige, rede ich mir selbst ein, ich sei nichts wert. Aber das STIMMT NICHT! Ich darf sein, so wie ich ich bin. Und ihr dürft das auch!
What an exhausting 3 weeks it has been. I'm finally back at work, working the 40-60hrs per week I was working before my ED shut me down a year and a half ago. I can't believe it. This is what I wanted. My doctor gradually eased me back in by having me work a job where I could go every other day or once a week if that was all I was up to. I increased my time as I saw fit and was able to handle. Now I'm at a new job.
These past weeks have been so challenging especially with lunches and breakfast. I don't eat out but my coworkers eat out everyday. Eating out together is a chance to bond and build relationships. I also catch up on all the work gossip and politics at these lunches. I went the first week everyday. That was SO CHALLENGING!!! After a week, I couldn't do it. I brought my lunch. So my coworkers brought their lunch too. I thought that was awesome. Some one asked me if I was anorexic and I lied and said no. I don't want them knowing about my struggles or my recovery journey.
These past weeks taught me that I can deviated from my packed lunches and go out with a group and that my body will take care of me. It won't turn to Frankenstein. I will be okay. It was so scary but I tried it and succeeded. Now I'm going to stick to my packed lunches before I get too overwhelmed.
I hope your week has been great and that you've overcome some challenges as well. You never know what you can do until you try. #recoverywin ~Paisley Rose
[photo: one of my lunch items]
When my usual menu choice was sold out, I panicked and picked the “safe” avocado toast... which turned out to be MASSIVE and slightly terrifying! I didn’t let it stop me, and it helped fuel my morning 🥑🍞 My boyfriend is here this week, and he is extremely supportive and helps keep me accountable. I’m scared to be pushed out of my comfort zone over the next few days, but I’m looking forward to advancing further in my recovery journey because of it. 😌 Hope you all are having a great weekend!!! 💕
Something I’ve realised through these past two years of recovery is how bullying has altered my way of thinking. During my school years I stopped leading with my heart and what I wanted to do and instead made decisions based on if I’d be laughed at for it. For example: school uniforms were an absolute nightmare for me, something so pointless made me cry, because I was scared my mum would buy me something that other people would laugh at. I was petrified of picking something as stupid as a bag that I liked in case people teased me for it ( thank you holographic bag for proving my point ).
So I’d beg my mum beforehand to pick certain things so no one would laugh at me.
Through fear I made sure I NEVER stopped making lists in my head of what not to do, because the thought of being teased one more time made me feel nauseous. -
My point is that thinking this way, made me lose my identity, I honestly couldn’t have told you anything about myself other than basic things. When I left school I knew I didn’t need to follow this way of thinking anymore, there was no need. But I continued to because THIS was what I’d built my entire existence off of. I didn’t know WHO I was , I only knew what I believed I needed to be.
I do believe this is a normal consequence of being picked on?
However I can confirm rediscovering yourself is 100% possible, these past 2 years have been the most important years for me, I’ve bonded with myself on a level I understand exactly who I am as a person. I feel more free and dependant, I’m no longer relying on my lists to make decisions which ultimately makes me feel less overwhelmed and sad.
Freeing yourself of the shitty code to avoid being picked on is the best thing you could ever do. I’d love to go back and pick all the cool things I liked to wear, wear them and fuck what people at school thought about it.
It’s difficult but I can tell you , knowing yourself/ your identity is worth more than fitting in, I don’t know how I could ever word this perfectly but I CAN confirm time can be a greater healer and it CAN get better.
F u c k what other people think
Seems Mark Twain too was a wise man!!
I reckon he knew how to curse with the best of them and if he had an ED in his house he might even agree that every room in the house could be used to swear in!!
Vor 2 1/2 Jahren war ich in der KJP zur Psychotherapie und da kamen schon die ersten „Anzeichen“ für einer BPS. Ich habe zum Beispiel ein Bild gemalt, was in schwarz und weiß war und zwischen den beiden Kontrasten war ein grauer Streifen - mir fiel es damals schon schwer nicht schwarz-weiß zu denken. Was ja typisch für die Krankheit ist. Die Jahre danach wurde ich aber „nur“ mit einer Depression diagnostiziert. Als ich dann aber 18 wurde und wieder in die Psychiatrie kam, wurde schnell klar, dass das keine Depression ist, sondern eine BPS. Eben typisch mit den Emotionen, Stimmungsschwankungen, Schwarz-Weiß denken, die Essstörung, das Verletzen etc. Ich habe das schon irgendwie vermutet, weshalb ich die Diagnose schnell annehmen konnte.✨ In der Schön Klinik wollten wir dann an den Ursachen arbeiten. Wie ich vermutete hing das mit der Beziehung zu meinem Ec zusammen und vor allem mit der Beziehung zu meinen Eltern. Ich habe als Kind schon früh Verantwortung für meine Eltern übernommen, weil sie mir nie das Gefühl von Sicherheit gaben. Dadurch fühlte ich mich immer schuldig, wenn es ihnen schlecht ging und das hat sich die ganzen Jahre dann aufgestaut.🎭
Das sind zwei von mehreren Faktoren, die zur Entstehung der BPS beigetragen haben. Ich bin echt froh, dass ich mich der Krankheit so nähern konnte, damit umgehen kann und endlich auch die Möglichkeit habe zu sagen, was mir gut tut.🌷✨
breakfast was 1.5 slices of sprouted whole wheat toast with avocado! i feel guilty cause i got an extra half, but just one slice wouldn’t be enough!...right , loves ? i keep telling myself this is what my body needs . i need support, loves :( is this too much?
moms going to the er today ... i’m so scared for her. i’m gonna go with her and my bf might meet us. please send her healing thoughts...
hope your mornings are free and calm🧡
Facing those fears becus I can!
Mac and cheese with broccoli and it was so tasty🤤
Dealing with the guilt, fullness and bloat, gonna do some stretching and maybe watch a serie before pint party.
Yeah my head is screaming but I'll be alright, I'll get through and things will get better 💖
How's your day been?
Fish pie has to be a homely favourite 👌big old portion of creamy goodness! Such good chunks of fish! took the dog into town earlier and stopped in a cute little cafe for a pot of tea plus large homemade shortbreads ☺️happy Saturday 💕#prorecovery#anarecovery#realrecovery#anorexiarecovery
Dinner today was made by my mum! It was a prawn stir fry type thing with lentil pasta. It was nice. I still struggle a bit with eating food not cooked by me- but this was good, and it’s nice to be able to eat the same food as the rest of my family. How is everyone? 💜
happy Saturday!! I’ve been eating oats all week long (not gonna complain tho🤤🤤) but today I got to sleep in and be able to take my time and eat breakfast so I went with a bagel instead of my usual zoats!! not gonna lie, eating a bagel was sorta hard for me today for some reason and I was tempted to choose something with “less carbs” but I ain’t about that restricting life and plus I WANTED a nice soft yummy bagel so that’s what I ate! Also paired it with peanut butter and a nectarine! I usually go with a banana but we were out:( still super yummy tho! I don’t have that much planned for today besides studying, cleaning, going to the gym for a short workout and then work. Anyways, hope you all have a GREAT Saturday! Much love!!💖💖
The society always had specific imaginations about what beauty looks like. Many people try to fit into those beauty standards and do everything in their power to be accepted by the society but is it worth it? Think about it;
➳ People with curly hair straighten it while people with straight hair curl it. ➳ White people get fake tans while dark people are encouraged to do everything they can to look whiter.
➳ Thick people are told to 'lose weight' while thin people are told to get thick and eat more. ➳ Tall people are told to wear clothes that make them look smaller while small people are told to wear high heels or clothes that stretch their shape. -
Sometimes I wonder if the standard of beauty is just 'being anyone but the person that you truly are' ☝️
Conclusion: Be yourself and make YOURSELF happy and not the society (PS being yourself makes you 100% more attractive❤️)
STOP THIS APP! 🆘 Sign the petition and stand with me: • https://www.change.org/p/stand-up-against-kurbo-ww-weight-watchers-new-kids-food-tracking-app?source_location=petitions_browse
. • A goal to “make parents happy” is despicable. Kids also are sexually abused worldwide to “make parents happy.” Kids are pushed into activities to “make parents happy” by earning parents money (we all see what happened to Lindsey Lohan). Kids are pushed into war, crime, murder, blood diamond industries to “make parents happy.” Pushing kids to do something out of fear or shame NOT to... is NOT consensual and not okay. Make it stop. #kurbkurbo#wakeupweightwatchers#letthemeatcake
• And just to note: it is not ONLY @kurbohealth & @ww ... it is the entire diet/fitness industry. It is every calorie counting app, fitness tracking device, diet program. It is the entire culture we live in. It’s the fact that this Kurbo app was created to specifically target children that is horrifying. Yes, kids were at risk and could participate in these things long ago, and unfortunately they did, and it lead to eating disorders. The point in fighting back against kurbo is to decrease the risk of this spreading even more rampant, and to bring attention to the cruelty of the diet/fitness industry as a whole.